It actually starts about a week before I leave India for my journey back to the U.S.
Each passing day, actually each night, brings these random waves of sadness that keep flashing in front of my eyes like reels. But I don’t share it with anyone. Why? Because I want to keep a strong face in front of my family. Also becuase I know my mom is already feeling the same way probably even more deeply than I am. So yeah, someone has to act stable.
It’s like a countdown. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. boom. Last night.
And that night hits different.
“Damn, I won’t be sleeping in this bed tomorrow.”
Morning comes, and I pretend like it’s just another normal “get-go” day. You know, casual international departure, no big deal. I start packing.
Mom makes laddoos.
Again.
I try to protest, half smiling.
“Mother, I’m already gaining weight. Do not do this.”
But she continues anyway. Inside, I’m just happy because these are the small things that will keep me going for the next few days. :)
Still, tears keep building up. I try to control them.
Evening comes. Mom makes my favorite dinner.
And honestly… nothing in this world feels better than that.
Then time slows down. Or maybe it just freaking stops.
“Move, clock. Let’s just get this over with,” I think to myself. I want to escape this emotional phase, even though I know I can’t.
Somehow, it’s time to leave.
I hug everyone. Kiss them goodbye.
My sister says,
“Remember to always look back at the house when the car starts.”
Of course I will.
My brother loads my luggage into the car. I sit down, ready to go.
And then it hits hard.
So many emotions. An ocean of tears sitting right behind my eyes. But I force a smile. A straight face. Anything to not let it show.
The car starts.
And suddenly my mom says she will come to the airport with me.
I immediately protest.
“Ma, why? It’s late.”
But she insists.
“I won’t be able to sleep anyway until your flight takes off.”
My flight is at 3 a.m.
Still, who can stop a mother?
So now it’s three of us in the car. Bhaiya is driving, mom and I in the back. Complete silence.
To break it, bhaiya turns on the radio: 98.3 FM it is. Radio mirchi murga moment. I am like thank god. We all shared a laugh He adjusts the mirror slightly so he can see both of us clearly.
Every passing kilometer from Gurgaon to Delhi airport feels heavier than the last.
And I can’t hold it anymore.
Tears start rolling down my face. I try so hard to hide them. So hard that my brother or mom won’t notice but I think my bro did notice.
But inside, everything is breakinggg. Fcking breaking.
I keep thinking, this is it. I won’t see them for another year. Every memory, every moment we spent together flashes in front of me.
Stay strong, G. Be tough. Control yourself.
But nothing is working.
I feel emotions I haven’t felt in a long time. (Who would tell AI to simulate the human emotion algorithm, I bet it can't. EVER)
And finally, we reach the airport.
I step out of the car, hug my mom tightly, and walk toward the gate.
I stop for a moment to look back to see if they’ve left.
And that’s when it completely breaks.
My tears don’t stop anymore.
People are watching. I don’t care.
I just let it out.
Eventually, I reach the ticket counter. I wipe my face, take a breath, and put on that strong, straight expression again for the rest of the journey ahead.
But somewhere inside…
I’m still back in that car.
